About Losing

February 12, 2016

Saya masih ingat, saya pernah ikut lomba mewarnai waktu SD. Tempatnya agak jauh, jadi bapak yang nganter. Pulang-pulang, pas banget ketika ibu buka pintu rumah, saya nggak bisa nahan nangis sambil bilang kalo saya kalah lomba. Padahal saya yakin sih, peserta yang lain baik-baik aja dan nggak nangis ketika pulang ke rumah. Because we all each carried a goodie bag full of snacks.

Saya juga pernah kesel berhari-hari karena ranking saya turun satu peringkat waktu di sekolah tingkat atas. Padahal cuma turun satu tingkat, dan saya dapet ranking dua (I hope we all know that I am not bragging right now).

Saya nggak pernah mau ikut kuis. Kalo ditanya kenapa, biasanya saya bilang 'nggak mau ikut kalo nggak menang'.

I am all about ambitious, perfectionist. I'm not a risk taker. I always want things happen as I had planned. I would never ready to lose, I just couldn't handle the feels. In fact I never want to lose, and I always set a high expectation of myself. It's not like I need to beat everyone, not like that at all. It's always about me, it's just like the feelings of getting everything right, and proving to myself that 'I can do better than this'.

But do I really want to take things easy? Of course. Semakin dewasa saya juga sadar dan mengerti bahwa winning isn't everything. It is nice to see your friends could be so chill losing a match. Tapi--saya yakin banyak orang yang sama seperti saya--no matter how hard you tried to be cool about losing, you just couldn't fool yourself, you know. Kayaknya bawaan orok deh ini?

Tapi tadi malem, saya belajar satu hal baru dari diri saya. Saya bisa dengan bangga bilang kalau saya nggak nangis depan pintu rumah seperti belasan tahun yang lalu! Waw! Serius, saya sebangga itu. Saya nggak merasa ada yang salah dengan kekalahan saya kemarin. Padahal nih, buat orang yang tau saya waktu dulu orangnya kayak apa, I am sure he would never imagine I can amazingly cope up with this. Skala 'kompetisi'nya pun cukup besar to make it OK for the old me crying myself to sleep (I was losing an election).

Things get better on me, I guess. To chill out and watch some Sherlock serials without any worry (not a denial, I've made sure of that) is not a deterioration. It's an improvement. OK, I feel a bit of shame regarding the society (I have a quite high pride, I'm sorry). Just a tiny bit. But it's still an improvement, don't you think? Regardless of how relieved I am because all of this are over now and I don't need to take care of a huge responsibility at all for a future time (fyuh!).

I think it's always about experience, after all.

In the mean time, I really support the winner, the next president of our organization. To think of it again, I think he suits the position more than I do. Perhaps that's the reason why I don't feel upset at all.

OK then. Sorry I was just talking about myself again, but I couldn't help because I really see a big change in me & I wanted to keep it in my track.

Good luck, peeps! This is a pair of cute butts to make you happy.


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